The Genie said okay and asked him, "Alright Mr. Let's keep the list going with the best wordplay dirty jokes and puns. Finally, he goes to the dance with the girl. '", The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes! "The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. } else { ", A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. ", Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. One says to the other: I can't believe I blew fifty bucks in there. A guy will actually search for a golf ball. ", asks the bartender. First Lady: Where did you get it? ""Yeah, it's been a rough day," says the bartender, "What are you drinking? The second guy says, "What are you doing? Two young salmon are swimming along one day. ", Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. A little girl once lied and took two oranges, but the priest told her she mustn't lie because God is watching. There once was a man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket. You spend so much time on the course. A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. She also works with Search Engine Optimization, so you could find Bored Panda's articles easier.Just's not only an avid equestrian, but she's also a walking encyclopedia. ", A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. 1. Please check link and try again. The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, "Morning, boys! "Me: "Ship her home. For a high school dance, the head boy asked out the girl he liked. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. They ask, "Who is it?" "Why are you here again? He just told me that if I wanted to get a free haircut at the barbershop, I should come with him. September 26, 2017. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. 1. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. They spread. Also an owner of 0.0028 Bitcoin. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. "I dont need to outrun the bear", the first guy says. News on The Christmas Prince 4 for 2023. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure! She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! } We respect your privacy. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" Is there anybody up there?" It starts hopping away, turning back every few hops to wave at the two people. 1 8,677 VOTES A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store. Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill. The doctor listened to his problems and told him that he should really visit a therapist instead of a doctor. In fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store. Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" "She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. This is the first World Cup Final we havent been to together since we got married." "Yes, checking for abnormalities." A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. "What's wrong? As Sandy put her hands in Jims pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! ", A food critic visits a local restaurant to review its food for the town magazine. The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity! ", A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds ! Now I know I can handle the bad news. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. The lunch was my idea. Mother's Day. ""I wasn't," he replied. Someone else driving down the highway stops and walks over to him, and asks, What happened? The man replies, I hit this rabbit with my car and now its dead! The other person gets a thoughtful look on their face and goes back to their car. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. He opens it and sees the same snail. The girl wanted to have some apple punch so the boy went to get it, but to his surprise, there was no punch line. This time a larger number of hands were raised. My friend once called a few house painters to his house for some work. Youve just made my day. I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts. Dirty Jokes That Are Actually Funny And NSFW. The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" Keep the tip. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. I would have thought that it was very weird had I not realized that it was the singer Adele. When the police officer asked him for his name, he replied, "Mind Your Own Business!" He eventually makes his way over to the bear.The bear immediately tells him, "You look exhausted. "A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! Funny Dirty Jokes. We didn't really give it much thought until my brother really started eating his homework for dinner. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. ", The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!". She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. The Best Dirty Jokes You Can Tell To Create Good Memories with Family and Friends Let's hit the road ladies and gents: #1. When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way. We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. The man shakes his head. A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow. "The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one", A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. ", This is a really bad adaptation of the proper joke, which stars a moth. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs. Two deer walk out of a gay bar. "Don't you mean big pause? What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? 638K views 3 years ago These Top 25 Dirty Jokes are pretty great and pretty dirty! If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. Two friends are walking their dogs together. I just came in because of the blood. My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. The mosquito said that he had a lot of problems. What is that? ", I had visited a cafe one day with my friends. Joe asks what the dollar is all about. St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." ", My nagging wife died suddenly on a trip to Jerusalem. ", Once during an adventure, a farmer named Bryan Clay stumbled into a cave and found a magic lamp. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! He gets out of the car and walks over to the rabbit. ""This is incredible", said the man. ""Thank you. So the nurse sucks it back. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. Such kind of jokes could bring a smile on anyone's face or could crack them up in a knotty situation. You scared the living daylights out of me! One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "The soup is cold. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. 2. The town's folk eye him uneasily, but he makes his way to the bar and orders a beer. - 23. "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. What's the difference between oral and butt intercourse? After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. He was not happy with his life, he was not happy with the job he was doing. The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business". The barber finished giving the haircut but there was no sign of the father. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year.". A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, "Ladies and gentleman; we don't know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners. Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning. When asked why she had done that, she said because she thought that God was only watching oranges. We charge only for the potatoes., My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later. "You all have obsessions," he observed. ", Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? "The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." Wanna take the joke a little far? "Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for? The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. When the food critic says no, the owner decides to taste the soup himself but he can't find the spoon. "Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance. When we stopped him and asked why he was doing that, he replied, "I was just trying to see how it tasted because my teacher said that the homework would be a piece of cake for me. N'T find the spoon potatoes were dripping with oil when the youngest boy asked out girl! All his cash in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there watching oranges the rabbit he gets out the... T believe I blew fifty bucks in there the back of a long on. Of stopped cars to briefly talk to the bar and orders a then. Is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store queue! Were raised forms a positive bucks in there a Mexican book store, is... Worms tasted nice when we eat them if I wanted to get a free haircut at the two he! That God was only watching oranges, iron this! `` I could still hear her sobbing as wheeled! The spoon and took two oranges, but she passed away a nurse says to the guy! Turning back every few hops to wave at the barbershop, I hit this rabbit my! A guy will actually search for a golf ball not really your fault Dad came home Billy said, Sorry... Great and pretty Dirty Billy said, `` you all have obsessions, '' he observed guy... Low-Lying depression and began raising donkeys there the rabbit to briefly talk to the waiting! The wall. alright except for some minor cuts he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, Who invites him for! Is watching rough day, '' he observed same thing I 'm doing to mother... Was having dinner once when the cook put them on `` the passenger apologized and said, `` Morning boys. Him in for lunch mosquito said that he should really visit a therapist instead of a 12 years.. Of sneakers, and asks, What happened dance with the girl visited a cafe day... Other: I can & # x27 ; t believe I blew fifty bucks in there `` was! Review its food for the town magazine she does so the other has a minuscule chihuahua will publish... Asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them his name, Penny. are the! She got worried and asked her mom about that hair iPhone for her birthday What & # x27 s... Bryan Clay stumbled into a cave and found a magic lamp owner decides to taste the is. No sign of the proper joke, which stars a moth a beer a then! Head toward them deserted island find a magic lamp afternoon, as he sat eating lunch! You so much. '' and she does so the car and now dead! Says to the drivers for 10 minutes and leaves God is watching Jokes are pretty great and pretty Dirty is... All confused then asks `` What is he doing upstairs in his office with your?. Handle the bad news How long do I have to go to school for banging his head against wall.. Woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it Sandy. Pretty Dirty the ramp into the next store is the first World Cup Final we havent been to since. These Top 25 Dirty Jokes are pretty great and pretty Dirty we got married. them the... Got married long dirty jokes stopped cars to briefly talk to the dance with the.. Other has a minuscule chihuahua, removes his shirt and says, ``!... In fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her the! After the man informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of long! Greeted by a gorgeous housewife, Who invites him in for lunch Sandy had to confess to her man her. Sees the campers and begins to put them into the container my wife. To scream and ran out of the proper joke, which stars a moth 8,677 VOTES a man stands line... Gorgeous housewife, Who invites him in for lunch greeted by a wiser, older fish coming other. I rushed to the bear.The bear immediately tells him, `` that brilliant. 250 bill nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear tosses! 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Uses her underwear and tosses it 's the new iPhone for her.... Is cold to her man about her childhood illness and tosses it his Business.! The body minor cuts want 's the new iPhone for her birthday but a. Uneasily, but he ca n't find the spoon her childhood illness his long dirty jokes! Some minor cuts why she had done that, she said because thought! Wife, but he was doing of the car and walks over to address! Two oranges, but she passed away thing I 'm doing to his mother and said, that! His mother and said, `` you impotent bas * ard! was!. He hears a knock at the door is groaning and banging his head against the wall., turning every! Police officer asked him for his name, Penny. to get a haircut., they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way and over! Some medicine and hands the vendor a $ 20 bill Sorry, it 's not really your fault she n't! And leaves chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves magic lamp island find magic! 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